


In Silence

by Maxine (WinchesterPooja)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Finale? What Finale?, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28325445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterPooja/pseuds/Maxine
Summary: Cas is gone.The silent admission to himself is what fucks everything up. Things just get worse from there.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 109





	In Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bubblemish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblemish/gifts).



> Written for starlightcastiel on Tumblr for the Destiel secret Santa 2020. I hope this is not too angsty!

Defeating Chuck takes it out of both of them. Sam and Dean toast and drink their way to sleep. They toast everyone whom they lost along the way. Dean catches Sam giving him careful, furtive looks while they do it, and though he knows why, he pretends he doesn't see it. They drive around after, and Dean knows he should be happy — maybe even fulfilled, but he doesn't feel any of it.

All that remains inside of him is a vast expanse of nothing. Stark, black emptiness. The same thing that took Cas away from them — from _Dean_.

_Cas is gone._

The silent admission to himself is what fucks everything up. Things just get worse from there.

Dean finds them hunts and Sam seems so concerned all the time - like he wants to say something, but can't say it, and Dean honestly prefers it this way. Sam, for his part, does everything he can to comply with Dean. To make him feel better about it all, probably, and hey, Dean isn't about to complain. He certainly doesn't complain when Sam supports him back to the bunker after his benders, or when Dean gets more roughed-up than usual at hunts, and Sam has to patch him up. In fact, Dean barely gives a fuck anymore.

Cas is gone.

Sometimes, Dean lets the tears flow. It's usually during the nights in the darkness of his room because Sammy cannot know. Dean thinks he heard faint knocks, his brother's concerned voice outside his room once or twice but he can't be sure. Sam, too, knows better than to mention it the next morning on these occasions. There's gotta be an upside to knowing your brother well.

Dean wonders, sometimes, how Sam copes with Cas being gone. Cas was Sam's friend too. He wonders if it's selfish on his part to not check up on Sam like Sam's been doing for him, but it gets harder every day to think of it.

Eventually, Dean just gives in to it all and lets it drown him.

**~o~**

Dean could never deal with Cas gone. Sam's seen it over the years — his brother's grief giving way to unhealthy coping mechanisms and… and Sam's stomach turns as he thinks of it — _suicidal tendencies_. He hears Dean screaming from nightmares, rushes to his brother's room, then hears the sobs, tearful whispers of Cas's name, and he doesn't know what to do. He's at a loss for words or solutions. So he takes care of Dean when he can, and does the only thing that he knows to do. The only thing that Sam did every day since he was a child, until he was betrayed, his faith thrown into the gutter.

He prays.

He prays until Jack appears in his room, eyes downturned in sympathy and concern.

"Sam."

Sam opens his eyes, sees their kid before him, now God — and isn't it so strange that Sam and his demon blood helped raise a kid who would become God? He feels overwhelming emotion, over Dean, over Cas, and when he lets out a shuddering breath, Jack seems to understand what Sam's about to ask for.

"Cas is all right," says Jack. "I took him to Heaven with me."

Sam huffs. For a moment he forgets that the kid is literally God. "Jack," he whispers, "you should have told me. Or even Dean. Why didn't you tell us? Do you know what's been going on here?"

Jack, to his credit, does look a little guilty. "I asked Cas," he says, "he… wanted to give Dean space."

"To do _what_?" Sam asks him. "You were there the last time we lost Cas. Dean… Dean doesn't cope."

"I know that," says Jack. He looks away for a minute. "Sam."

"Yes."

"Do you think… do you think Dean knows?"

"Know what?"

"That Cas loves him?"

Sam looks at the kid's face, at the innocence that hasn't left even though Jack is now _God_. They miss him so much. Sam wishes they could be a family again like they always were. They never got an opportunity to be truly happy through one tragedy following another. Jack deserves more than the burden of this planet, this universe on him. Cas deserves better than to serve Heaven, the very place he divorced years ago. Dean deserves to enjoy their victory without having to grieve so damn much.

They all deserve so much better.

Sam feels a lump in his throat. Dean _does_ know, he realises with a pang, and it had never hit him until now — until Jack said it. It had been so funny before, when Dean and Cas were being idiots — skirting around each other without being able to say it. A little exasperating and a whole lot annoying, but. _God_.

Sam sighs, runs a hand down his face. He nods, taking in Jack's crinkled eyebrows. "Dean knows," he says. Jack turns around, probably to get back to Heaven, but Sam stops him. "Jack, wait."

"Sam?"

Sam's never asked for anything. Never demanded anything from God. He's just only ever prayed. He prayed, and only got things he never asked for, his wishes twisted and served to him like God was mocking him (which he always had been), so Sam thinks he's entitled to this when he speaks to Jack.

"I want you to come back and stay with us," he says.

Jack takes a moment to answer, then nods. "Okay."

"You and Cas."

"All right, Sam."

Sam feels himself smiling a little as he watches the kid. "You're… you're not gonna say anything… or ask…?"

"No," says Jack as he walks to door, then stops, turning around. "Besides, I wouldn't be a very good god if I didn't grant your wishes today, of all days. It's Christmas Eve, remember?"

Sam laughs, then sits on his bed as Jack leaves, his heart light for the first time in weeks.

**~o~**

It's silent when Dean stumbles out of the bar, car keys jingling in his hands. The weather is chilly, just below thirty degrees, with a breeze blowing that has Dean clutching on to his coat, hugging himself. He's buzzed — buzzed enough to forget it all. He could just sleep, honestly, folded in blankets on his memory foam. Nothing about… nothing about _Cas_ tonight.

It's Christmas Eve. Dean wonders if Sam knows or remembers. Once again, there's no Christmas for them this year. No celebrations. Maybe a hunt tomorrow but that's all. Dean heard about vampire mimes… _somewhere_. Garth had left him a message about it. He'll – he'll think of it in the morning—

 _Cas_.

Dean staggers to his car, laying gloved palms on cool metal as he sinks down to the ground. His jeans aren't meant for the frigid temperature that assaults his knees but he stays like that, leaning against Baby, shutting his eyes.

 _Cas_.

He didn't think he had any tears left but they're there anyway, coursing down his face. He's freezing, but he doesn't know if he cares.

 _Cas_.

He hears footsteps, but barely registers them. Barely feels the arms that wrap around him as someone holds him. Maybe he's finally dying. Liberation from all of it. A hand runs through his hair, lips on his forehead, warm and soft, and Dean opens his eyes to see a familiar face.

He lets out a breath, a plume of mist blowing out of his mouth. The kiss on his forehead seemed to bring back his sobriety, but Dean still can't believe his eyes.

"Cas? Is that really you?"

Cas smiles back at him, crinkles fanning out the corners of his eyes. "Yes, Dean," he says, voice warm as always. "It is me."

"Am I… am I dead?"

"Fortunately," Cas says, "I got you before you could get hypothermic."

Dean chuckles in his angel's arms, then moves to grasp the sleeve of Cas's trenchcoat. "I never got to tell you," he whispers, pulling Cas close. "I never got to say because…" his voice catches in his throat, "you left."

"I'm sorry," Cas whispers back, "I—"

"No," Dean paws at his trenchcoat again, "no, l-listen… I—" he can feel his lips quiver, his eyes wet again, "I love you. You could _always_ have me. You could've had me all along. I j-just didn't think you'd – that you'd _want_ me."

He closes his eyes, heart thumping against his chest as Cas holds him closer, resting his forehead on Dean's. "Oh, Dean," he says, "I love you, too. Very much."

Dean chuckles but it's all watery and so _stupid_ and he looks up at Cas whom he loves — he, fuck — _loves_ , smiling at him, before going ahead to kiss him. Cas catches Dean's lips with his own and they're so cold, Dean can barely feel it and God this is so stupid for their first time with Dean blubbering and—

Cas pulls away, smiling, dusting kisses on the corner of Dean's mouth, then moving, feather-light, to his jaw. Dean's clutch on Cas's coat gets tighter, nails digging in. "Cas," he whispers, "we gotta get back." He hates to stop here; he wants to savour the warmth that is spreading through him. He wants to feel each and every kiss that Cas places on his skin, and he can't wait.

"Bunker," Dean murmurs, the moment Cas pulls away, weakly shaking the Impala's keys in his hands.

"Got it," says Cas. He is quick to help Dean into the driver's seat, then get in from the other side, his hand resting on Dean's thigh, a physical reminder to Dean that he's now _here_.

Dean drives them back, the desperation at its peak. The moment he puts the car on park, he and Cas are off to his room. They fumble about in the darkness, breaths loud in the silence as they strip each other of clothes, a tangle of limbs and warmth, fucking until they're worn out, their names on each other's lips.

It's Christmas the next morning and Sam finds them tangled up, half-naked on Dean's bed. He is shocked enough to not make fun of them for it and he just mutters a "Merry Christmas" before hurrying off. Later, Dean gives his brother a hug and thanks him, because he knows Sam had something to do with it all — with Jack and Cas coming back. He also knows Sam has something to do with the fact that Cas is dressed as a Christmas present later on, a bow on his head and wearing a particularly ugly sweater, but Dean decides to spare his brother for today. Maybe he'll get back at Sam the next time Eileen is here.

For now, he has Cas. He has his family. That's all he wanted for Christmas.

**The End**


End file.
